Let’s take a dip into the pool of male and female psychology. I have to speak in generalities but I think you’ll get the message just the same.
A huge buzzword when it comes to romantic involvement is ATTRACTION. Some people might call it “chemistry”. Everyone wants to “feel” it, everyone tries to find it and everyone knows its necessary; yet, it’s something that’s often not clearly defined.
Taking attraction out of the realm of sentiment and mood, let’s just look at the dictionary definition:
Reading through this you should see a common thread – a common denominator. What’s the common denominator to attraction? Selfishness. Yes, I used the S-word.
We find ourselves attracted to things that entice us, fascinate us, find alluring and something that can bring us pleasure. These are all selfish qualities. What you find attractive may not be attractive to me and vice-versa. It’s all Perspective and therefore, subjective.
So, how does knowing this relate to men and women? Simple. A person’s favorite subject is themselves. This trait is stronger in the average female than it is in the average male but, it’s there none-the-less.
Please, don’t take my word for it; think about it for a moment. Speaking only about women, have you ever REALLY paid attention to how women talk to each other? When two or more women are talking, it doesn’t matter what the subject is, they always relate it back to themselves – what they think or feel about the subject or their personal experiences.
When men (or males) communicate, what do they do? They take a topic and give their viewpoint; their thoughts - usually more rational and with less emotion involved. Even if it’s something they’re not interested in.
People (in general) have a natural need to be heard – it’s part of human nature.
A female has a stronger drive to express her thoughts and feelings verbally, while a male has a stronger drive to express himself through action. 2 females could talk for hours while 2 males could be content sitting in front a television and watching a sports game – with huge moments of silence in-between remarks and conversation.
When you’re trying to build attraction (yes, attraction can be “manufactured”), the most effective way to do it is to play into the selfish nature of it.
What do I mean? For the average male, trying to “catch a woman” is like attempting to catch a deer. If you chase her, she’s usually going to run, duck or dodge out the way. She knows the male wants something – and this leaves no room for her. The male is cutting-out her favorite subject; herself.
If you want to charm a woman, you need to get the woman comfortable enough to talk about herself. This means you have to be comfortable talking about yourself. You share something about you, then she shares something about her; it’s like a dance. And again, I’m just speaking in general.
For the average female, trying to gain the attention of a male is like one of those dreams when you’re trying to yell, but no sound comes out. The average male is very slow at picking up on “hints”, innuendo, subtle flirts and subtle body language. The subtle approach is usually not the best approach. He can be completely oblivious.
Also being too aggressive as a woman can completely short-circuit the average male’s “brain”. Although he loves the attention (and the ego boost) he’s rarely dealt with anything like that before so he doesn’t know how to react. Whether subtle or direct, the female is cutting-out a male’s favorite subject; himself. There’s not much room for him. He just has to react to what the woman is doing, and try to maintain his “coolness” in the process.
So how do we remedy all of this mis-communication and possible confusion? It’s simple really. Lack of communication is the cause of most problems. So talking is vitally important. But we don’t just want to have idle chatter – we want to capture the attention of the opposite sex! How do we do that?
We get the person very comfortable with talking about themselves, i.e. talking about their favorite subject. And then you want to really listen and pay attention. You also want to ask the right kinds of questions to “draw them out”.
And what are we listening for? When a person is extremely comfortable talking about themselves, they’ll reveal what’s attractive to them. Then it’s just a matter of… are those things reasonable to you or not?
When we meet someone physically pleasing to our eye, we continue searching to see if they can fulfill other needs and desires we have (well… most times). Attraction starts out selfish. It may not remain that way, but that’s the way it begins.
For those of you in the dating world right now, you know how fragile attraction can be. Things can start out great, then you hear a few things you don’t like (or see some things you don’t like), then you find yourself losing attraction – or as we call it – getting turned-off.
And this works the opposite way as well. You may think everything is going good, then suddenly you start feeling the other person backing-off. What just happened? They lost attraction for you; either from some things you did or some things you said; or some things you didn’t do or didn’t say. It’s can be frustrating, am I right?
Unfortunately the 2 people involved NEVER actually talk about what’s turning them off. It’s almost as bad as 2 people not directly saying what’s turning them on. The guessing games continue; all because either party doesn't honestly communicate and address the issue(s). It’s a problem that won’t get solved.
I’m not here to offer you dating advice but, I did want to share a Perspective on making things possibly run a little smoother. Now that you understand we’re all “bad and selfish” individuals (honestly, some people feel guilty about these traits, so don’t take this too seriously) – hopefully you can come to grips with: YOU want what you want – but so does the other person.
If you can accept that, then the only question is: Are they worth trying to communicate with to solve the problem?
(Did I just hear you answer, “If I just met them, probably not!”? Well, that’s just so selfish of you to say…)
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